one slightly dogeared Fuentes, up for sale

‘is there a doctor in the house?!’

‘maybe… how much you got in your wallet?’

‘… what do you mean?’

‘sliding scale. $500 for a Heimlich, $750 for a birth, $999 for a circumcision – which i can do blindfolded for an extra $25 – and $20,000 for a bag of fresh blood. what’s your dog’s name?’

‘eh?’

‘it’s the code. what are you, an amateur? and if you are, by the by, i can do a discount.’

‘code for what?’

‘your bag of blood. don’t worry, no one will EVER work out that bit of genius code…’

so, Fuentes is up for sale.

the description from the estate agent reads:

‘a detached property with all mod cons. in fact, the whole property is a con. well-thatched and with a well stocked refrigerator, the Fuentes residence has several closets that are jam-packed with skeletons of various sizes, one containing a full football team (rhymes with ‘Farcelona’), another a pretty famous tennis player, yet another with several Olympians stacked up. whilst there’s no pool there is a large centrifuge that doubles as a jacuzzi. very ‘rustic’ and a great project for the DIY enthusiast.’

Dr. Eufemiano Fuentes
Dr. Eufemiano Fuentes

what a thoroughly disagreeable little fellow he seems, doping folk for cash and now offering up his little bag of secrets for the highest bidder. still, the world needs to know.

how about we use the Paul Kimmage fund (which, it appears, has gone missing) to pay the Doc? i can’t find it yet but i am sure there is some way to justify it…

ugh. the world. you know what i mean?

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